in soviet russia, cockroach steps on YOU

well shucks so i gets home in the middle of the night and open up my bedroom window and pull back the insect screen for all of three seconds, straight up gotta close me the storm shutters else all kinds of sunlight be splattering across a dude's face at all of 5:30 in the AM on account of the japanese not down with daylight savings and don't know them a thing about curtains besides

little somnabitch COCKROACH fly hisself in through the gap that exist for those 3 seconds like he been just POISED there all evening waiting for a dude to come home on he train and can't even get no beer from the vending machine on account it be switching itself off at 2300 to preserve public order. most times a cockroach can't even fly much worth a damn so you know bastich has made a special effort to come inside and be molesting my personables, sucker is about as big as my thumb, no doubt

a dude don't want to touch no cockroach with he bare skins so i wrapped my hand up in a dirty t-shirt and cold punched that roach in he eye, roach falls onto the bench and skittering around on he back all deathdance 2: electric boogaloo

NOW FOR THE COUP DE GRACE says i, no doubt mangling my french pronunciation as per, partly from ignorance but mostly from wanting revenge about the rainbow warrior

but brer cockroach - who, being punched by a dude some thirty thousand times he size and weight, oughta be dead - he backspin about so speedy and quick i can't hit him for no "coop dee grays", necks thing a dude know he back on his legs and jump to the floor, cold run up in my cabinets

cabinets ain't go nothing ins them so i'm all throwing the doors open real hard BANG BANG BANG and trying to fix my deathly gaze on that roach while he skittering about with a most definite quickness takin' every sort of evasive action, but there nowhere to hide because ain't no objects in the cabinets on account i ain't own no objects yet

roach decide to cut right across the floor, faster than i can believe, but i chucks a towel on top of him, he feels real safe under a towel and don't go running nowhere, so then i'm stomping on the towel BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG lift up the towel and do you know what:

that ol' roach don't give one fig for my stomping and he off on he way again, so's i drops the towel on he head again, this time jumping up and down with both feets BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG

lifts up the towel...

...and he on he way again, across to the other side of the room. i still don't want to get no kind of roach guts on my skin so i grab a plastic coathanger and stabs at the roach: the coathanger stone cold breaks in two, can you believe it

so, i got my jagged shard of a coathanger, rough and sharpish like a stake such as a dude do drive into the heart of a vampire, finally gets a mean bead upon old roachy and STABS RIGHT THROUGH HE ABDOMEN so the roach is kind of in two pieces

all this time i been cussin' the roach out and emitting many choice phrases that my grandma don't know i can say. one more choice curse at the remnants of roach, and i finally get changed out my work clothes and into my casuals. i looks about for a kerchief to scoop up the bits of roach in, finds one, heads back and WHAT DO YOU KNOW: sucker is dragging hisself across the floor, great big hole in he middle, still going hard in the struggle to find a thing to lay he eggs on or whatever. i could kind of hear mr elton john singing "circle of life" somewhere in the back of my head or nearby.

so it gets a bit graphic at this point but i will only tell you that i had to mash on that roach pretty hard to finish him off. i scoops up the remainder and heads out to the kitchen, where my flatmate mark is all "hey what's up was you talking on the phone to your parents" and i am all "what the hell mang how the hell do you thinks i behave towards my parents"

can you imagine in it, on the phone, all cussin' and pounding my feets upon the ground and slamming things 'cos maybe my folks said i gotsta come home from the j-pan and wash up some dishes or whatever. what a thought

mark's dog got so scared he completely ran upstairs to his Safe Place and circled about on the spot being fretful and making supersonic noises

i will not forget that roach anytime. in the end the score is Man: 1, Cockroach: 0, but best believe that shit was GLADIATORIAL




we don't got roaches like that in new zealand